A thorn in my flesh

40 million people in the U.S. suffer some sort of panic disorder. I'm one of the lucky 40 million. Like most I've had it some form or another my entire life. I worry more than most. I remember being extremely young (in our first house) and sharing a room with Becky. I had to have some sort of physical contact during the night - holding her hand or touching feet. Without it I worried someone would snatch her and I wouldn't know it - that she'd be gone in the morning.

My most extreme panic attacks hit me right after college. About the time I should have been focused on my career, getting a place of my own, and enjoying life as a young adult. Those panic attacks were brutal - and affected every single person around me. Honestly - that's the part I hate the most.

I somehow (through the help of some a Imazing friends and family) conquored the panic - or so I thought. I now know I never conquored the feelings - I just pushed them aside and LIVED. Such a simple concept - but one that evades me from time to time.

The panic attacks reared their ugly heads again one year ago. I don't think any one thing brought them on. I believe it was several things. As my counselor pointed out - I have a stressful home life at times due to the care of an aging loved one AND I have a high stress job.

For the past year I've been struggling to learn to live with panic again. Some days are better than others. Today, for example, I'm about 2 breaths from a full blown melt down. The thing is I know why. I'm on a new medication. Not a medication for my panic attacks, just a simple anti-inflamatory. Basically I heavy duty tylenol. And part of my brain is CONVINCED that I am/will having/have an adverse reaction. Every little strange feeling is the medication doing something "bad". In the rational side of my brain I realize just how rediculous that sounds. The problem is getting both parts of my brain to talk.

I've spent the better part of my day trying to distract the part of my brain that senses danger. That's the part that mis-fires. While most people are only on alert in truly dangerous situations - mine rarely shuts down.

I got pretty upset about it all this morning - and on the way to church I told Paige that I was frustrated and wondered why God didn't take away my panic disorder. After all I've prayed and prayed and prayed - begging Him to lift me from this burden. Paige reminded me though that EVERYONE has that thing - that one ailment or situation that never goes away and that one never quite understands why God allowed it to stay. AKA Paul's thorn in the flesh.

So, I wonder now if this is MY thorn in the flesh. I can't honestly say that makes them any easier. And I'm certainly not going to quit praying for God to deliver me from this burden.