I want to write

I want to write. I realize those who know me best are probably thinking, "duh, you already do". I want to write something else.

I write news copy everyday. It is what I am paid to do. I proof read copy turned in by anchors and reporters. I decide what stories are presented everyday at 5:00. Truth be told, I'm pretty good at it. I'm not sure where it comes from - but it comes naturally because I've never had any schooling for it.

But something else I mean I want to write something that's actually read - not spoken. There's something about words on a page - if written well they can reach deep down inside a person and touch that person's soul.

I want to write something other than a script. Something that I don't have to time. Something that can potentially leave the page and touch someone's soul.

Here's the thing... I have no idea what to write about. I don't know if I should write fiction. Maybe I should try non-fiction. After all - I've had some amazing experiences. I've met major political figures, I've been to a women's prison to interview a woman convicted of hiring a hitman to kill her husband, I've seen towns leveled by severe weather - and seen members of the community come together to help each other, and I've seen first hand the process of dealing with old age - and the frustrations that come with losing abilities and having to depend on others, and I've experienced REAL friendship - probably more than most, definately more than I deserve. I've seen the worst of mankind, I've seen the best of mankind, and I've seen the people who slip through the cracks.

I want to share these things with anyone who's interested - I just don't even know where to begin... or if anyone's even interested :-)

Blogging is a great outlet for me... but I want to go bigger.

I think I can, I think I can

Today I did my first real workout with a real personal trainer at a real gym. Holy Cow! I thought I was going to keel over more than once... and the sad thing is my assessment tests show that I'm reasonably fit already (I about keeled over when I saw THAT too).

Here's what I learned today. A 30 minute workout in a gym with free weights and machines is MUCH more difficult than a 1 hour ballet class.

Today I did things I've never contemplated doing during a workout. I used free weights - that was actually kind of fun. And I used a pull up machine. It helps you do pull ups so you aren't just hanging from the bar. Believe it or not that was SO much fun.

My goal is to do my current workout circuit 2-4 times in one session. I cannot even fathom doing 3 right now - much less 4.

My other goal is to work out every day. I'm only going to do my workout routine 3-4 days a week, the other days I plan to swim. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy that. I love shutting out the world - no noise, no distractions, no stress. Just me and the water.

If I accomplish those goals at the end of the first two weeks I get a massage. Once I get to the point I can do my circuit 4 times in a session I get a hot stone massage!

On a side note, after my workout I shared the whirlpool with a bunch of Vipers (our arena football team). They were HUGE - and I was way to sore and tired to be self conscious. It made me feel better that they were in just as much pain as I was!

So wish me luck - hopefully I'll be able to sport a bikini in a couple years when me and my college girls go on our cruise!

The big C

I got home from work today - rushing to put up groceries and get supper fixed for me and Novie (yes it was pizza, no not delivery). I preheated the oven, put the pie in to cook and began washing strawberries and blueberries for desert.

I sat down and turned on the computer while I waited for the pizza. When I opened my facebook account I found a truly gut-wrenching message. The third one I've had in recent years.

A dear friend just learned he has cancer. He is my age. We've known each other for close to 10 years. We've seen each other at our best - and at our worst. He is newly married and just learned that he will be a father for the first time after the first of the year.

And as it always seems to happen - this is not someone I would picture when hearing the word cancer. Being hurt in a car wreck, yes. Falling off the porch and breaking his neck, yes. Accidentally shooting himself in the foot, possibly. But cancer, no. Not this one.

And I don't know why I'm so floored. As I mentioned -this is the third time I've been floored in the past year or so.

The first was Stacey. And girl if you're reading this you are the poster child of strength, class, and most of all faith. Stacey has taken that cancer and shown it who is boss. It was a shock though. I was in her (first) wedding. We stumbled our way through college together. Stacey - I'm so proud of you. I gain strength from you everyday.

Second came Susie - another punch to the gut. It just didn't seem real. Susie is honestly the strongest and bravest person I know. She's also one of the funniest people I've ever been around in my entire life. Just like with Stacey - it makes me angry and sad. How dare that disease try to deprive this world of such an amazing spirit. And like Stacey, Susie is fighting with every ounce of everything she has - she won't let anything get to her.

I'm a better person for knowing both of these women. Their fights have strengthened my prayer life. I'm praying everyday for both of them - meaning I'm praying every day.

Now I'm adding a third dear friend to this prayer list. And I ask each of you to do the same. This man has so much to offer.

People wonder if the devil is real - watch someone you love battle the big C and you won't doubt anymore. The same can be said though about the Lord. Watch someone you love beat the big C and you'll never doubt His power.

A thorn in my flesh

40 million people in the U.S. suffer some sort of panic disorder. I'm one of the lucky 40 million. Like most I've had it some form or another my entire life. I worry more than most. I remember being extremely young (in our first house) and sharing a room with Becky. I had to have some sort of physical contact during the night - holding her hand or touching feet. Without it I worried someone would snatch her and I wouldn't know it - that she'd be gone in the morning.

My most extreme panic attacks hit me right after college. About the time I should have been focused on my career, getting a place of my own, and enjoying life as a young adult. Those panic attacks were brutal - and affected every single person around me. Honestly - that's the part I hate the most.

I somehow (through the help of some a Imazing friends and family) conquored the panic - or so I thought. I now know I never conquored the feelings - I just pushed them aside and LIVED. Such a simple concept - but one that evades me from time to time.

The panic attacks reared their ugly heads again one year ago. I don't think any one thing brought them on. I believe it was several things. As my counselor pointed out - I have a stressful home life at times due to the care of an aging loved one AND I have a high stress job.

For the past year I've been struggling to learn to live with panic again. Some days are better than others. Today, for example, I'm about 2 breaths from a full blown melt down. The thing is I know why. I'm on a new medication. Not a medication for my panic attacks, just a simple anti-inflamatory. Basically I heavy duty tylenol. And part of my brain is CONVINCED that I am/will having/have an adverse reaction. Every little strange feeling is the medication doing something "bad". In the rational side of my brain I realize just how rediculous that sounds. The problem is getting both parts of my brain to talk.

I've spent the better part of my day trying to distract the part of my brain that senses danger. That's the part that mis-fires. While most people are only on alert in truly dangerous situations - mine rarely shuts down.

I got pretty upset about it all this morning - and on the way to church I told Paige that I was frustrated and wondered why God didn't take away my panic disorder. After all I've prayed and prayed and prayed - begging Him to lift me from this burden. Paige reminded me though that EVERYONE has that thing - that one ailment or situation that never goes away and that one never quite understands why God allowed it to stay. AKA Paul's thorn in the flesh.

So, I wonder now if this is MY thorn in the flesh. I can't honestly say that makes them any easier. And I'm certainly not going to quit praying for God to deliver me from this burden.